Thursday, June 24, 2010

finally back at work

this pretty much sums it up:

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

-jerry seinfeld

Saturday, June 19, 2010

summer can officially begin!

julia love arrives in dc today!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

booty pop!

a couple months ago my mom texted me a picture of a product so ridiculous it belongs in skymall (maybe next to the siamese slanket?). the product i speak of is booty pop. basically, it's underwear with padding sewn in to "make your booty pop". check out the infomercial.

wow. how did i go so long without knowing about the product that's "revolutionizing women's undergarments"? i love the woman who says "you want your jeans to show off your booty". you mean, the booty you don't have? the booty you're going to take off at the end of the day?

but my favorite quote is "booty pop panties will make you look and feel like you spent a fortune!" so when i wear booty pop, people won't think i was born with my "bootylicious booty", they'll think i spent in excess of $11,000 for plastic surgery on my butt? i'm ordering mine right now! not.

what's unnerving to me is that despite my phobia of the word "panties" i was actually less bothered by the use of that word and more bothered by the number of times the word booty was used (20+ in case you were wondering. that's a booty every 6 seconds!). what disturbed me the most though, was the popping noise used strategically throughout the commercial.

after my mom sent me a picture of the product, i didn't give it much thought. until i read this passage in david sedaris's newest book when you are engulfed in flames.

I don't recall the product's exact name, but it amounted to a fake padded butt, the shapely synthetic cheeks sewn into the lining of a generous brief. I put it on my christmas list and was given a pair by my friend Jodi, who waited a few weeks before admitting she'd actually sent me a woman's ass -- in essence, a fanny.

And so it was. But that didn't stop me from wearing it. Though pear-shaped, my artificial bottom was not without it's charms. It afforded me a confidence I hadn't felt in years and gave me an excuse to buy flattering slacks and waist-length jackets. While walking to the grocery store or post office, I'd invariably find myself passed by a stranger who'd clearly thought he was following somebody else: Little Miss January or Pamela Anderson's stunt double.

My fanny kept me warm in the winter and early spring, but come hot weather it turned on me. The problem was the nylon padding, which, when coupled with a high temperature, acted much like a heating pad, causing me to sweat away what little ass I'd had in the first place. Chafed and bony, by early June my natural bottom resembled a rusted coin slot.

It was fun while it lasted, but unless I tore myself away, I knew I'd be relying on prosthetics for the rest of my life. I retired my fanny to its box in the hall closet. There it called to me, sirenlike, until a houseguest arrived, a tall, forlorn-looking woman who compared her ass, and not too favorably, to a cast-iron skillet. "I've got just the thing for you," I said. It wasn't my intention to give it to her, but after she tried it on, and I saw how happy it made her, how could I not? The woman stayed with us for a week, and while I hated for her to leave, I sort of loved watching her go.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

this boy

needs to stop gallivanting around europe and eating delicious/adorable treats without me.

Friday, June 11, 2010

remember alf? he's back! in pog form.

there are a lot of things from my childhood that i remember fondly. television is one of these things. as a kid, i especially loved watching reading rainbow and mr. rogers' neighborhood and reruns of the muppet show. but watching these shows today, i honestly can't understand how they held the attention of 5 year old tracy. i mean, they can't even hold my attention now and isn't a person's attention span at it's peak at my age? maybe the internet has corrupted it. but really, why i liked these shows i may never know (although i must admit i still have a soft spot for jim henson, specifically the movie the labrynth).

another show i (thought) i loved as a kid was alf. for those of you who are unfamiliar, alf was an nbc sitcom about an alien named alf who crash landed in suburbia and took up residence with the tanner family. now, this, i can see keeping my attention. but oh how wrong i was.

my sister purchased the first season of alf on dvd for $2 at an estate sale. she's in dc visiting and a couple nights ago we sat down to watch the first episode. after about 10 minutes i turned to her and said 'i don't think i've ever seen this show before' to which she replied 'me either'. i looked it up online and it turns out alf went off the air when i was one year old. there was a very good chance that i really never had seen alf. but i have always remembered loving alf. so what was the deal?

i called our mom, hoping she could enlighten us. turns out we had an alf book when we were kids. it was called alf hides out and it had a little cardboard alf the reader could hide in different places in the book (i think this was inspired by alf's affinity for hiding in the kitchen on the show). it was all coming back to me. i loved that book. i read it hundreds of times. and i fabricated a love of all things alf based solely on this book (i think my brother may have also had some alf pogs). i don't think i even knew that alf was an alien, i think i always assumed he was the lovechild of a bear and an anteater. makes me wonder how many of my other childhood memories are entirely fabricated.

EDIT: my brother did not in fact have any alf pogs, that was also fabricated. i merely remembered it from an episode of the simpsons:

Thursday, June 10, 2010

anything's better than posh isolation

one of my greatest dreams is finally coming true! on october 14th i will be seeing belle & sebastian LIVE at constitution hall! somebody pinch me!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

spread the ashes of the colors over this heart of mine

i am completely and utterly in love with super 8 film